via: http://www.thesun.co.uk/

Growing up in a different place and time is something that is talked about and reminisced about a lot by old people like me.  It’s not that I’m ancient, it’s just that everyone seems so young looking to me these days.  And tall.  I see kids that I taught in Sunday school getting married and having kids of their own.  I see kids that I used to bribe with Goldfish crackers to sit down and be quiet now graduating from high school and heading off to college; my own included.  (But please don’t tell my wife that I actually bribed my own kids because she thinks that I had superior parenting skills, used rational thinking and discussions, and applied all of the book and lecture knowledge that we could possibly absorb.)  I see what were once little rambunctious critters becoming responsible or at least semi-responsible young people.  It’s a journey, right?

I now wonder why the boys and girls are so tall and tower over me in the hallway, mall, and everywhere else.  I must be shrinking.  I need to do a better job of hydrating and keeping those spinal disc spaces juicy and plump so that I can stand tall, or at least stay at my once maximum five foot eight inch height.  I’m probably shrinking from having the weight of the world on my shoulders just like every other man in this world.  I mean, c’mon, someone has to carry the load of monitoring the location of the TV remote, controlling the volume, and constantly switching channels during commercials.  It’s for the entire families benefit, not just mine.  It’s exhausting!

My daughter’s wedges.

That five foot eight-ish height was the average height of practically every guy that I knew in high school and college back in the glory days.  Today if somebody is that height they consider wearing lifts like the old Seinfeld episode.  And what about the ladies that just keep adding thickness to those wedges or platform shoes or stilts or whatever they’re called?  The amount of material that goes into those things leaves a huge carbon footprint, (see what I did there.)  We used to think that those monster trucks had a big base with their tires, but they’ve got nothing on these ladies’ shoes of today.   Who can compete with that? Not us guys, that’s for sure.

Here’s a great idea; what if the new male trend was guys wearing stilts under their pants?  Ok, maybe not stilts, but just bring back those high platform shoes that were around in the sixties and seventies and then inject some performance enhancing substance of some type.  Who knows what would happen?  Or perhaps use all of those partly empty bottles of Elmer’s glue that we all have lying around to glue on thicker soles.  What if instead of Build-A-Bear, I open a Build-A-Sole for men and I get my materials not from Men’s Warehouse, but rather from Men’s Solehouse?  You’re gonna like the way you stand; I guarantee it, sole brother.

I know that I’ve probably got a prototype lying around in some obscure place at my mother’s house because I was a fashionable guy back in the day.  I think that they are tucked away with my cuffed, maroon, bell-bottomed, corduroy pants that my well-meaning sister made for me from one of those patterns she bought from the fabric store.  Deep front pockets, a crease, and no back pockets, man.  Stylin’!  Today, what would I do with my wallet, cell phone, car keys, checkbook, reading glasses, loose change, pack of gum, flossie, and excess pocket lint?   She’d have to sew add-ons and call them cargo pants.  She was awesome; and still is.

So I’m thinking that the tall thing is here to stay.  In reality, the kids look good in their clothes and styles (mostly) and the length gives them “lift” in fashion parlance, or so I’m told.  In the meantime I’ll keep trying to stay hydrated and look for things with vertical stripes to give me lift.  As far as I can tell I have at least two viable options:  wear referee shirts everyday or become a zebra.

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